Ji Ya Shi N
by Prosthetic Forehead
Summary: What happens when you cross a jinchuuriki with an immortal religious fanatic? Chaos. M for Swearing, graphic violence and brutal religious practice. NOYAOI
1. 茶

_Prologue_

A quiet murmur weaving between the flickering candles. Weathered hands folded, head tilted, brows furrowed. Heavy incense smolders in the air.

"Umm... Jashin-sama, please grant the world eternal pain and suffering, plagues and... uh.. fire. Please, devour the souls of... humanity... and subject us to timeless torture and horror... grant us these things, O Great Lord. Thanks."

"Umm... is that good?"

Hidan bares his teeth, "No."

"Aw hell! What did I do wrong this time?"

"You forgot the fucking amen!" Hidan smashes his fists on the table, breaking his plate and knocking his chopsticks to the ground with a clatter.

- - - -

"Oh come on Hidan-san! I swear I can do it right!"

The trees, stretching for miles, should muffle his voice, but instead it echoes far, noise so loud it scatters birds from their nests.

Hidan's ears ring. He closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath.

"The fuck you can," Hidan swings the blunt side of his scythe, smacking his apprentice in the head, "You completely messed up the last ritual. Not only that, but you've just been a klutz this whole week... spilling the sacred blood, eating my blessed waffles, giving that money to the decrepit man, who may I remind you was a kumo-nin trying to assassinate me? I'm sure I've forgotten some things... I'm just surprised Jashin-sama has not smited us in our sleep."

"...Maybe he doesn't mind?"

Hidan shakes his head, "Jashin-sama... never forgets, never forgives... 's had more than nine thousand servants for a reason, Naruto-kun."

After this, Hidan grows quiet.

They tread lightly on the thick forest bed, hopping over fallen trees and logs, Hidan's careful eye lazily checking for traps and suspicious movement.

Their pace is painfully slow, Naruto's young mind unable to deal with the sea of green and mist... his mind errs, wondering how he can convince Hidan to teach him how to be a better "disciple".

But Hidan doesn't trust him. Why should he? Naruto knows he's screwed up _a lot_. If it wasn't for what Jashin-sama said... Hidan would have killed him a long time ago.

But how can he learn to be better if Hidan never gives him the chance? He has to convince Hidan somehow... _somehow_, that he's ready. But with what? How?

"Where are we headed?" Naruto asks suddenly, glancing up at Hidan, trying to find the man's golden eyes in the darkness provided by the hood of his brown and bloodied robe.

"Konoha. The place of your birth."

"Eh? I was born in Konoha?"

Hidan chuckles, "So it was told to me. Who knows?

"Someone there would know–"

"That's not why we're going there, though," he snorts, "No, there's a reason far more important for going to Konoha, the strongest of the nations."

"What's that?" Naruto ducks under a branch, swatting away a brush as he follows Hidan under two fallen trees.

"To give homage to Jashin-sama of course," Hidan chuckles, watching as Naruto struggles to climb up a steep and crumbling slope, "To finally bring about his resurrection."

The leaves are falling from the trees. It's autumn, and Uzumaki Naruto is about to return home.


	2. 天火: 1

"Stay behind me, haizi," Hidan says as he shoves his scythe into the stone path, "Stay behind and keep your hood up, do not let anyone see your face..."

The wooden doors are enormous, Naruto's eyes widen, he simply gawks at them, barely able to hear his master's words.

A chuunin steps forth, his hand outstretched, taking the gesture of Hidan laying down his scythe with wariness. Unarmed opponents can have tricks.

"Halt. What business do you have with Konoha? You do not appear to be a merchant."

Hidan grins, pulling back his whitish blond hair, "Oh I am a merchant of many things, na. But I have nothing you would wish to buy... however, I do have something that should be sufficient cause for me and my apprentice to enter your village's walls."

He reaches into his ragged robes and reveals a small wooden box. Casually tossing it into the air, the thin chuunin catches it unsteadily.

"You will find in there... an artifact that belongs to your nation's hero. I wish to have it verified by and returned to, your Hokage. Zenmayang?"

Unlatching the thin pine box, the man inspects the inside for a moment before shutting it. He nods and returns it to Hidan.

"I am by no means an expert, but that indeed has some residual chakra... it is probably something the Hokage should see. I will allow you and your disciple entrance, but I will alert the Hokage. You will be given an escort to see him at the soonest available time."

"Jashin-sama thanks you for your cooperation, Konoha nin."

Hidan bows slightly, retreating backwards, the pine box vanishing inside his robes. He turns around and beckons Naruto forward with his finger. The teen joins his side, his covered head reaching the tall man's upper arm.

Two chuunin breaking rank, Naruto and Hidan approach the final thresh hold of the gate security, two chuunin quickly filling out paperwork as they work to summon an escort and temporary entrance papers.

The blond whispering to his master:

"Ne, why were you so nice to that guy? I thought Jashin-sama–"

"Jashin-sama does hot hate blindly," Hidan says calmly, "There is a time for when subtlety preserves Jashin-sama's purposes, it is then, and only then, that the blood of his enemies should not be spilled."

Naruto frowns but nods, "I guess I understand."

He snorts, "One can never claim to understand Jashin-sama. To do so is to contradict his teachings."

"Eh?"

"Where many false gods claim faith is their only source of salvation, Jashin-sama stresses doubt. Doubt everything, doubt everyone. Trust nothing, trust no one. It is by observing this we can truly do his will.

The thin chuunin clears his throat, pinching his scarred nose, "Thank you for waiting," he gestures to the white table and the two genin filling out paper work behind him, "I'm afraid there's no one available to take you to see Hokage-sama."

Hidan is unperturbed by this statement, "Then you will be our escort, Konoha-nin?"

"Please, call me Umino-san," he rubs the back of his head, "And no, I'm afraid I can't abandon my post. What I mean to say is..." he sighs, "Well, unfortunately, the only ninja we have available for escort are our genin teams. We've currently called for one, though I'm afraid it may take several hours for them to arrive..."

"Several hours?" Hidan clicks his tongue, folding his arms.

The chuunin fidgets a bit before sighing, "It's a bit embarrassing, but the jounin sensei for the team is often tardy to his missions... and I'm afraid this one will be of no exception, even though right now he is probably only ten or twenty minutes from here right now... there's nothing that can be done, I'm terribly sorry."

"_Ch_," Hidan kicks the cobble road, "The strongest nation, huh?" he mumbles to himself, craning his face back to Naruto, "You get all that?"

"Hai."

"Hmph. Well, I suppose there's little that can be done about it," Hidan turns his back to the chuunin wrenching Naruto by the arm, stopping at a nearby tree, "We will remain here then, and wait,"

Umino nods, "I will return, then."

He vanishes.

Naruto sighs, wishing he could do something like that....

Hidan sits down by the tree, the tame grass reaching his knees. He leans into the bark and shuts his eyes. Naruto watches him for a moment before sitting down next to him.

"I guess I can try meditating..."

Hidan had been trying to teach him how to meditate for several years, though his methods of teaching are little more than a means of punishing him. And Although it is very difficult for him to sit still, it is getting a little easier. Day by day, he is able to tune a little more of the world out and clear his mind.

Breathing deeply, hearing the birdsong and the soft chimes of the leaves weaving through the grass, Naruto drifts away from the waking world for just a moment.

- - -

I've taken some creative liberties with Hidan (yes, he'll be badass and powerful, not the chump Kishimoto made him out to be).

1. His native language is Chinese (Mandarin), I chose this because there's so much Japanese in Naruto, and it would probably be pleasing to my readers to have something _different_ to read.

Note it is difficult to represent chinese with roman characters because Chinese has a sound component to its words (tones) which alter the meaning of a word by how it is pronounced. I will attempt to provide some bit of pronunciation guide attached with the words Hidan uses throughout the story. I'm not going to go crazy with Chinese, but it'll be about as frequent as I use Japanese in here.

Note my chinese skills are fledgling, much weaker than my Japanese, excuse any misuse in words, but I think they're right. Correct me if you find a mistake.

Haizi: Raise your voice on _hai_, soften it on zi. Pronounced "HAY–Tzih". Means "child". I'm using it similar to Japanese address "bozu".

Zenmayang: Technically 3 words, zen ma yang, but that's not how it's said in real life – they're blended together quickly. _Zen_ dips and rises, ma is soft, yang is said curtly. Means more or less, "How about that?"

Na: Particle, similar to Japanese _ne_, however, I'm using it all over Hidan's speech, where in natural Chinese, it probably wouldn't occur as much.

2. He's about as powerful as Sarutobi in this story (figuring in his immortality), though he could easily be defeated by anyone if his weakness is discovered (waffles, obviously).

3. He's a little wacky, a little philosophical. Being immortal does that to you.

Yes this and the previous chapter were _short_. Abysmally so. And what an update rate! Well, I'll admit, I considered leaving this story alone, but I reread what I'd written today (since I got a review the other day) and I decided maybe it was worth the effort to try. I can't say I'll know when I'll update, whether the update will be 500 words, 1000, or 10000 words (all sizes are equally possible with me, depends on my mood and whether I'm interrupted while writing), just have patience. If you like this story, review, if I get feedback, I'll keep writing, simple as that.

The pairing is undecided (if there even will be one), though Naruto will interact with all of the Konoha women (probably even Haku, and definitely Konan since she's in Akatsuki) so anything's possible. Drop a suggestion if you have one, I'll listen.

I don't like how author notes break immersion, so this will be one of _few_ notes (and I'll eventually remove these too, stuffing all my notes into one chapter towards the end). If you want me to answer a question, ask me in a PM or a review (I read them all).

_As always_, this chapter is unproofread, though I'll swing by and edit this baby sometime in the near future. Ignore any embarassing errors until then. This work is WIP, don't ever consider it a finished work.


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